Five cut-and-paste replies to SEO spam e-mails

Many of them are hoping that you don’t know enough about SEO to notice the impossible claims they are making, and some just don’t know enough about SEO themselves. All of them proclaim a short-term solution to getting to the top of the rankings, whereas anyone who knows SEO at all knows that it involves elbow grease, perseverance, and plenty of innovation.

It’s a shame. There are plenty of honest, ethical SEO strategists out there (hello! Us! Hello!), and chances are, you’ll have found them (us! Hello!) yourself – either by looking around the web, or by word of mouth.

So – to save you time – here are some cut-and-paste replies to dodgy SEO e-mails that I have seen over the last 6 months, and along the way, the reasons why their claims are bunkum.

Dear Webmaster, we notice that you aren’t ranking for <random keyword>. We can get you a guaranteed page 1 position within 24 hours thanks to our contacts in Google.

• 1st page listings on your 5 most important key phrases for £149 within 24 hours
• No Contract Just a 30 Day Trial / No Direct Debit / Pay As You Go / Results Only Marketing
• ALL THIS FOR JUST £149+vat
• In month two it is £30 per key phrase

Dear SEO company, if I may call you that. It’s impossible to guarantee a page 1 position in Google within 24 hours… unless, of course, you are talking about Google Adwords – i.e. PAID search. However, if you were talking about Google Adwords, you would have mentioned Google Adwords, surely? No?Search Engine Optimisation is a long-term investment, not a quick win. And, if I wanted to, I could set up a paid search campaign within minutes. It wouldn’t cost me £149, either.So, you’re trying to hoodwink me. That’s not very nice. But thanks for asking. Bye!

Dear Webmaster, hello there! We notice that your website is not optimised for the Google. For example, you are not using meta keywords and meta descriptions. This is a mistake as the Google uses meta keywords to decide rankings.

Dear SEO company, if I dare call you that. Thank you for the concern you showed regarding my website. How awful that my website is not optimised for the Google.However, unless I am much mistaken, Google pays no attention to meta tags – and hasn’t done since 2009. Equally, it only uses the meta description for the snippet in search results, so I prefer to leave mine blank in order that the snippet is more relevant to the searcher.

Greetings, Enquiries!

I love your website, www.cleverlittledesign.co.uk, it’s really great. I run a similar website, www.cheapviagraandcialispills.... and thought it would be great to do a link exchange. I will give your site a prominent listing.

Dear SEO person,I’m glad you love my website. It really is lovely. However, I’m baffled that you think it’s similar to yours. Have you really had a look? Probably not…Anyway, a quick word on reciprocal linking – it doesn’t really have any “link juice” or SEO value, and hasn’t had for, oooh, about twenty years. In fact, if I link to your site, I’ll probably get myself penalised for linking to a ‘bad neighbourhood’. I don’t think I’ll be participating, thank you very much.Oh, and my name’s Gareth. Not “Enquiries”.

Dear Webmaster,

We offer top rate link-building services. Here’s our prices:

• PR1 link = $1
• PR2 link = $2
• PR3 link = $5
• PR4 link = $10

You can choose up to three keywords as anchor text. We’ll build link wheels and Squidoo lenses for you helping you supercharge your rankings.

Contact us today to discuss our excellent, rapid, one-way link-building.

Dear SEO Company, if I’m not much mistaken. Thank you for your e-mail, I’ve been transported back to the year 2003. I almost feel nostalgic.Here’s how I prefer to work – links are fantastic, but I want to have a website that’s so good, and a web presence that’s so comprehensive, that people will know me, know of my services, and hopefully link to my pages themselves. A link should add value to the website – so the webmaster should add it because he/she wants to, not because I want them to!You see, I like my links to be editorial, and relevant. I don’t care about pagerank, and I don’t care about anchor text. I certainly don’t want to participate in any dodgy link wheel – they’re far too obvious, and the search engines can see right through them.Oh, and Squidoo lenses? You are kidding me aren’t you? When was the last time a real person used one of them!!!

I am SEO (Search Engine Optimization). We do directory, article submission and one way links. Links will help your site rank high in the search engines. So what are you waiting for? For high search engine rankings you can contact to us. We will promise, your work will be complete in best way (in good page Rank Directory). We will give you directory and article submission with snaps of filled form with in proper time period.

• 100 Directory submissions 8$.
• 100 Article submissions 10$.
• 25 social book marking 8$.

Dear SEO, what a unique name! Your parents must have had enormous foresight.I’m delighted that you do directory and article submission. Wow! That’s so cheap it must be untrue. Eight dollars of money for 100 directory submissions sounds, oooh, exciting.However… hasn’t Google just de-indexed a bunch of directories? And does Google care about them anyway? If people don’t use them, why should Google even consider them as a ranking factor? The same goes for Article submissions – are they not dead in the water since Panda? I prefer to work alongside other webmasters and provide content for them.As for social bookmarking, again – does anyone bother? I don’t think so. If people don’t use it – Google doesn’t care about it. That’s the way I roll.

The trouble with these so-called SEO companies is that they’re taking advantage of small business owners who don’t have time to learn SEO. They promise a quick return, while the truth is that in SEO, there is no such thing as a quick win.

The first e-mail, which was forwarded to me by a client, was the one that made my blood boil. Promising page 1 results within 24 hours, the company was not lying per se, but was omitting to mention that page 1 would be achieved through paid search. For £149. The company is based in Manchester, so don’t be under any illusion that SEO scams come from abroad!

So, if you receive any e-mails like these - feel free to cut-and-paste the e-mails above, and quote me:

There are no short-term solutions, and no cast-iron guarantees that you’ll top the rankings. There’s elbow grease, perseverance and innovation, though...

Credit for the image: o5com (cc / Flickr)